The Pakistani Spectator

…Find the President. This is a game for the whole family. Everybody can join in. If you have an internet connection it’s more fun, but even if you don’t, you can join in anyway. The purpose of the game is to Find the President. Extra points are earned if you Find the President doing something vaguely useful, like visiting the poor, cutting the tape on the opening of a new sugar mill or donning a helmet whilst visiting the troops on the frontline. You can look anywhere you like. For those of you living in poverty – and we realise this is quite a lot of you – you can start by looking in the atta bin. Not there? Hmmmm… Under the charpoy? Nopes. Perhaps with the goat… Nopes again. Never mind, he may be out in the fields sorting out the donkey pump, you know what a decent chappie he is; always ready to turn his hand to helping the needy.

Let’s leave the poor to their labours and move on up a social stratum. Those of you in the lower-middle classes, clerks and the like—well, you can look under the desk or behind the file cupboard. For those of you working in more modern offices, you can try looking behind the photocopier, as we know the President likes bright shiny things that look attractive and go whiz-whee-fzzzzz. You may also want to have a look in the petty-cash box…you never know.

Right up at the top end of the game now, there is a whole range of places that the well-heeled resident of the Land of the Pure may start looking. A good place to start is in the VVIP lounge of virtually any airport in the country. El Prezzer has a penchant for foreign travel. He does this because he has found that it is just too difficult to physically transport other countries here to Pakistan — which would save him the trouble of actually having to get out of bed in the morning. Consequently, he has to go to them – so where might he be? How about Botswana? They’re poor as well, those Botswanans. Hardly a stick to rub together. He’d have lots to talk about with them. Or maybe Gaza. He’d love it in Gaza…all that real estate, worthy causes to support.

But what about London…or New York…or Paris? Paris would be good. He could go there and stand next to President Sarkozy, who is about four-foot-six tall and stands on a box to have his photo taken – he could stand next to Sarkozy and look a very big man indeed. It’s a bit more tricky looking big in New York ‘coz most of those Amreekans are big and fat anyway, and half of them can’t see their feet when they stand up, unlike us poor Pakistanis who see our feet all the time, mainly because we are so damned hungry. London? Hmmm…a definite maybe. Lots of places to hide, friends everywhere anxious to be seen standing next to him – which should make him easier to find, don’t you think? Not sure about Gordon Brown being one of them, though. He’s the prime minister in England. Lost an eye playing sports as a youngster. Looks like he is going to be the ex-prime minister once the Brits get around to their next general election. Maybe not the best person to be seen standing next to.

So there you are, dear readers… Good honest family fun. And the prize for finding him? A ten-day all-expenses-paid holiday in the busti at the back of my house. Oh, and a tip…don’t bother looking anywhere in Pakistan.